GB Fish and Chips is GD Delicious!

GB Fish and Chips
www.gbfishandchips.com
1311 S. Broadway
Denver, CO 80210
(720) 570-5103

Seriously, when people get up on my anus about my love of deli meats I can be all, whatevs, I totally eat fish cocksuckas so leave me alone! Also, this place is tasty and they manage to get the fried right and leave out the greasy which rarely happens in the Denver, or anywhere in America where I have eaten fish and chips - which being the healthy lady that I am is all over so believe me when I say they know what they are doing. Also, you can pick your fish - or order shrimp and scallops so pretentious people can feel comfortable knowing they don't have to order cod.

Lesson Learned Note: I had a couple of lady beers betwixt ordering and receiving my food (it isn't fast food but mama was real real thirsty from targeting and running errands - so it was still in the span of 15 minutes) before realizing that I wanted a hint of the tartar sauce as did my friend Leslie. I ran to the counter and ordered the tartar sauce one for me and one for Leslie. Um, huge mistake for two reasons. Each order comes with a touch of tartar and when you order the sauce they think you are a mayonnaise freak because which is totally the fault of the fish and chippery because you will received the largest and most unnecessary amount of tartar sauce. So, if you heart it then order one for a table for 4. That's All.

Masterpiece Deli, We are so in love

Ok, so this is the last time I will talk about Masterpiece Deli - today, I promise. I just wanted to mention that I went there again this past weekend and it was just as fabulously glamorous as I remembered it so many days ago....last weekend. I wanted to order something different because seriously what kind of whacko orders the same goddamn sandwich every time, oh, I know, this whacko. I couldn't help it, I was so prepared to order the brisket or even something mundane like the turkey because I need to know every inch of every sandwich but when it came time to order, the Cubano left my lips and I could not catch it in time to change my order, plus, I was there with my roommie and his daddy and I was thinking how I probably should have ordered something a little less intense or more ladylike, or less porky or whatever you call it but I was under the spell of the most tender pork on the planet and there was nothing I could do. Luckily my roommie, who knows I often leave my dignity at the door suggested that we share our sandwiches and so I was able to eat both the glory of pork and the succulence of the best brisket that has ever laid itself upon this tongue. Once again I must reiterate if there was a meat version of a born again then I am born again AGAIN because this place gives meaning to my existence. I mean we all wonder from time to time, what is the fucking point of it all - like one day there was nothing and then a gazillion years later - we have the Ford Escort Station wagon - was that an end we really wanted? I mean sure - I have a fondness for the Ford Escort Station Wagon because my brother used to drive a turquoise or maybe aqua - but that is not the point - If you have ever wondered why then get thee to Masterpiece Deli as soon as possible. You too will understand what it means to be an evangelical meat lover.

PS - Thank you "Beef, It's What's for Dinner" commercial for ruining my ability to listen to Aaron Copeland.

PSS - speakin' of beef- I am going to be dining on beef for four ce soir at the Z Cuisine - a fancy frenchy dining facility. Let's hope it doesn't refer to itself as an eatery because then I would have to hate it.

Dear Masterpiece Deli are you thinking of me?

Because I am thinking of you.

The Bagel Delicatessen - hopefully where I will be buried when I die - from an overdose of pastrami. (from 2008)

The Bagel Delicatessen (http://www.thebageldeli.com/)

6439 E. Hampden Ave.

Denver, CO 80222

303-756-6667

their motto is "as authentic as it gets" and they fucking mean it

Anyone who knows me, or has ever met me for 5 seconds knows that there is only thing I love more than juicing on booze and that is eatin' on deli meats.

Someday, I will open up my Holy Meats deli (it is more"HOLY MEATS! BATMAN" than it is blessed Jesus deli meats by the way, even though the logo will have a crucifix on it which might confuse people who would be all - when did Batman get into christ? And that is none of my nevermind - I don't get into people's personal business.

Anyway, this is how much I love pastrami:

PASTRAMI Haikus

why you so goddam
good? It hurts me to wait for
you until lunchtime.

your succulence makes
me weak. I must place you on
my tongue yesterday

For six long years I have scoured this city in search of a good pastrami sandwich. I thought I would never find it, but I have done it sweet Jesus and it was topped with egg salad mmmmmmmmmm times one million. Thank you Bagel Deli for knowing what I want. I didn't even have to waste one second perusing the main menu - as pastrami (being held in the regard for which it deserves was given its own menu at this glorious place.)

Here is another thing Bagel Deli understands - good sandwiches need little to no condiments because the meat melts on the tongue while the bread keeps you from drooling on yourself in ecstasy. They did provide me with the opportunity to use condiments but I didn't need them. The egg salad was pretty good as well - and there is so much more to choose from that judging this place by one sandwich alone isn't fair. Lucky for me AND Bagel Deli - I will be eating there every day for the rest of my life...

If you live in Denver and have never been to Bagel Deli - I pity you.

PS - anyone who tries to get up on my anus about a pastrami sandwich with egg salad on top not needing condiments can suck it cause I did half on and half off - so get off my anus assholes.

You Lie Rachael Ray - Vesta Dipping Grill is Crappo. (From 2008)

People love this place so I feel like the review below is minimal and needs some explanation - even though the concept of the restaurant is pretty simple - you get meats - you dip them into shit - so nevermind I don't need to explain myself- but I should because if someone actually were to read this and get their feelings hurt that I said this place will rape your wallet - then our relationship will be over before it begins and that hurts us both doesn't it so here is the background. When I wrote this I was kind of hating Rachael and her attitude and was really grumpy about this place because everyone always raves about it - and it is always in Denver's top restaurants of whatever the year - but who really trusts the consumer anyway - I know I don't. I was supremely disappointed with Vesta - it was so loud and the service was blah and the servers or waitstaff or whatever the christian name is - reminded me of the bitches who work at Buffalo Exchange like they are doing me a goddamn favor just to talk to me - like I owe them more than my tip. Like this one time - I found a super awesome pair of jeans on the major cheap at Buffalo Exchange and trying to be polite (which is a struggle for me) I mentioned what a great deal this was and the bitch face checker outer was all - that is because they are so last year and no one else wants them. YOU WORK IN A FUCKING USED CLOTHING STORE YOU ARE NOT SUPERIOR TO THE CONSUMER. THESE CLOTHES AREN'T EVEN FUCKING VINTAGE SO SUCK IT. I was so in the mood to get all Fried Green Tomatoes on her ass and run her over with my car but I didn't because I am a lady. Anyway - my point is that I am super mean about Vesta because the food wasn't that great and the sauces weren't that great - and the waitress needed to get dick choked - that is a reference to a fighting maneuver and NOT a request that someone shove a dick in her mouth - because that is rude and anti-woman. So there.


It has taken me many moons to try this Vesta Dipping Grill (shticky is for vaudville and not for eating) - I have heard fantastic things about this place, including Rachael Ray - who was in the Denver for either $40 or Tasty Travels or something - and she was all up on the Vesta. Maybe she just made it up - or maybe Bobby Flay hates her for good reason (we know she likes to bite the Oprah hand that feeds her - but I like her salad dressings - so I assumed she either knew what she was talking about - or wouldn't lie to me - considering all the places in all the Denver - she picked this place for dinner) anyway - she is a fatface liar.

1) The dipping sauces aren't interesting or delicious
2) The meats are not cooked or presented well
3) Dipping is for Atlantic City
4) DON'T GET THE SCALLOPS
5) Go to Chilis if you want your wallet raped

Old Lady who sings for free booze - thank you for making it all worthwhile, Brown Palace take two = magic (from 2008 DNC post)

The Ship's Tavern never disappoints -http://www.brownpalace.com/location/index.cfm

This might be the second post on this bar but that means you need to go there - not that I am lazy - stop judging me!

The Ship's Tavern is a hipster joint waiting to be recognized. I am so glad I have managed to see it in all its purity before the hipsters rub their dirty little hands all over it.

The beer is cheap and the entertainment unlike anything you will find in Denver, maybe not during the DNC. I would imagine there will be a lot more stripping come August. I once lived next door to a couple who ran a stripping business out of their home. The busiest time of year was during the PGA. I guess golfers LOVE watching tainted vagines dangling in their faces just as much as the next guys.

Anyway - the woman who sings at the Ship's Tavern doesn't get paid - nor has she ever. But she has been performing for over 35 years - and she goes there every night so she might be a slight alcoholic or maybe just not ready to follow this "television" trend she has been hearing about. She has a fantastic voice and was dressed up for the Kentucky Derby - which felt a little fancier than the Safari number she was wearing the last time I was there.

Basically, every night goes like this:

Mary (the singer) has a couple of glasses of wine - then she belts out something Frank Sinatra or a song that I imagine comes from Guys and Dolls. Then she sits down - while the pianist plays songs like - Say a Little Prayer for You or Pianoman (so meta). Once he takes a break some guy - who is either a fireman - or just large and in charge enough to need suspenders to keep up his sweatpants - starts singing as well (also not getting paid) - and this is unaccompanied and a little awkward and THE MOST FUN EVER.



Please go - you will not be disappointed.

The Thin Man - I moved here for you - and you treat me like this? I don't know what love is anymore (From 2008)

It was a beautiful summer evening in the early two thousands and I was in the Denver visiting on personal business pleasure. Some friends of mine lived by city park - and suggested we take their dog and walk to this bar called the Thin Man. We can sit outside they said, It is very chill they said (people totally said chill in the early thousands).

When we walked up to this bar - I fell in love instantly. It was everything I ever could have wanted. Great location, really nice atmosphere (take lodo and then do the opposite which means totally chill) and dogs were allowed which I wasn't familiar with having lived previously in a dog hatin' city.

The Thin Man is kind of eurobar-y but not eurotrashy. It is small and the light is just right - and the patrons are the type who prefer that you mind your business so that they can mind their business - which I like because A. I hate meeting people and B. The only person I met turned out to be one of those handjobs who can't stand the quiet - so he listens to music, watches tv and listens to the radio all at the same time - while playing his "keyboards". Neat. Let me just say cacophony, the end.

Back to my love, so aside from having the right aesthetic, this place makes the best goddamn mojitos you have ever tasted. One bartender told me he was sent to Cuba to study them - and I think he was later fired for being a bitch or something like that - and he said he always wore womyn's jeans because they made his junk appear larger than in regular jeans - so maybe he was fibbing about that but I don't care - because his drinks were magical.

Personally, I think the Thin Man re-popularized the mojito in Denver as it was at one time the only bar that served them and now the mojito is quickly turning into the martini - with it's mango this and chocolate that. Hey, if you want to rape my drinks with your crazy concoctions save it for Chili's or Applebees - that way we will never run into each other.

The Thin Man has always kept its mojito classy. Plus, they make some mean vodka infused drinks as well - which will crunk your shit up. Long story short, or whatever -short story long - the Thin Man has fantastic bartenders who make fantastic drinks in a fantastic setting and I loved every minute of this bar even though it can be overloaded with hipsters at times- hipsters don't mind me and I don't mind them thank you very much.

So all was well until the other night I went their - for a nightcap if you will with a friend of mine only to discover that the bar was not only throwing a themed party - BUT A WHITE TRASH themed party - with sidewalk bowling and a baby pool full of PBR and everyone was wearing wife beaters and black marker on their teeth - and either mullets or fake pregnancy bellies or both.

Thanks for the memories anus - but I am not sure if I can ever look at you the same.

Steubans, how can you be such a cocktease when it comes to food and still manage to put out with such delish cocktails? (from 2008)

Somebody mentioned to me the other night how annoying the term eatery is, which I totally agree with - and since I am annoyed at Steubans for kind of fucking up comfort food I am going to refer to it as such so here goes you shiteatery.

I have been researching the shit out of Steuban's for the past few weeks (I think we all know that "research" is interchangeable with getting my supercrunk on) - and feel pretty safe in saying - that you should come for the drinks but leave before you pay 16 dollars for shitty fried chicken - I can tell you right now it is way more delicious at the unSafeway a few blocks away and much cheaper too - unless you don't care what you put in your mouth you dirty savage. In that case EAT away dummy.

Oh, except for the fries - they are tasty - and you can get them with gravy which I really wanted to do but thought it a bit heavy to have gravy as an appetizer - especially when it was about to be followed by a pork sandwich. In retrospect I deeply regret that decision. The pork wasn't bad - but it wasn't good - it just left me thinking - why am I eating all this pork? Is it because I have already sucked down 38 delicious cocktails? Yeah, probably . That not-so tasty pork gave me the strength to carry on down to boystown and watch boys(townies) do pushups in their panties - so I can't hate it that much. But I wanted to love it - for two reasons. I love pork and I love comfort food. They sure do sound like they go together don't they? Unfortunately, Steubans has everything you could possibly want in a diner except good food. I know that some people don't know the difference between a plate of dirty anuses and whatever they are frying up at Applebees but I know the difference and I would appreciate not eating them thank you very much. But, I am too hard on Steubans. The food isn't terrible, I just wanted it to be so much more. I obvs didn't hate it because I went back there this weekend - WHY you ask? Well now let's get to the good part.

Les Cocktails

I don't know what it is about this summer '08 but I cannot get enough cocktails (or white wine spritzers for that matter) down my throat. Unfortunately for Denver they still haven't gotten out of the tini phase. (PS - if you want me to punch you in the face order a flirtini in front of me - it is instinctual so I cannot be held accountable). Thank GOD for Steuban's because they don't do that and I love them for it. The cocktails are classic - some of them even flaming - and they are gorgeous, if sometimes a little strong. They also have the classics with a little twist - which I think in some cases even improves the original. They have side cars and pink ladies, mojitos and dark and stormies. WHATEVER you want. Oh, and if you want a mean Mai Tai this is so the place to go. Also, they have a large selection of low end beers as I like to call them - which might sound derogatory but I prefer them to Budweiser and will order a Mickey's when I see it available. They have PBR and Lone Star and Mickey's all for the low/high price of $3 so it won't break your pocket book you prude.

On the hipster scale I give it about a 7.5 because it has plenty of bicycle parking but it is not over hipstered like so many other places on 17th or Colfax. So you can be all - I heart nature and NOT footprints of the carbon kind - or whatever you hipster hippie types like to say.

I just figured out that this place is run by the same dildos who push Vesta Dippind Grill WHICH EXPLAINS EVERYTHING! Rachael Ray loved Vesta - and I thought she was in idiot once I tried it - so she will probably cream all over this place too.

Snooze I will suck face with you (from 2008)

www.snoozedenver.com
2262 Larimer st
Denver, CO 80205
(303) 297-0700

Normally, I hate waiting for anything, much like most people. Unlike most people, I usually end up hopping up an down in a fit of rage when I have to wait for anything for more than 30 seconds - for example, I was once waiting patiently in airport security as the woman in front of me took her sweet-ass time taking one shoe off and taking the other shoe off and placing them in her bin - I HAD ENOUGH so I started jumping up and down (it is an involuntary reaction) and the security guard asked me if I had to go number one. Moral of the story, I do not do well when things go any which way but mine, which is why I have been avoiding Snooze for the past year as I have heard that there is always at least an hour wait and I knew that it would not end well.

I decided to go yesterday as I was promised that a cocktail, named the Snooze Julius would keep me from going insane and make the wait easier to take. Mission overly accomplished snooze julius. Getting my crunk on at 9:00am made the wait very easy to take.

Luckily, I was able to sober up during my wait and eat one of the all-time best breakfasts in the Denver. Not that it is difficult to do in Denver. As with many cities, Denver is saturated with breakfast choices and most of them are crapfests.

Snooze, on the other hand was fucking gorgeous and totally worth the wait. The service was great - and the pineapple upside down pancake with brown sugar butter was INCREIBLE!!! as they say in France. Usually, I prefer my salties to my sweets so we followed this number with some hashbrown medley of potatoes meats and cheese topped with a fried egg and it too was fantastic. I will go to Snooze again and again and I will try everything on the menu - and I will love it all and I will lover their coffee and I will get over the fact that the name Snooze is dorkus malorkus.

Parisi, poetry on your tongue

Parisi

4401 Tennyson St
Denver, CO 80212
(303) 561-0234

I am not afraid to admit that I enjoy a little poetry from time to time. I think most people who hate it for whatever reason don't really understand the point. I believe it is whatever you want it to be. For Example, Elizabeth Barrett Browning wrote:

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, --- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

Personally, I don't think there is any better way to describe how I feel about prosciutto - and thus, how I feel about Parisi's simple, yet elegant prosciutto (parma) sandwich. Just a little prosciutto, provolone and a baguette becomes sandwich perfection.

Yes, I realize that I recently wrote about my devotion to pastrami - but this isn't Sophie's Choice, I can love them both equally, with all of my soul without worrying about either one feeling like the lesser of the two.

Even though it took me years to move beyond the perfect parma, I discovered that Parisi is so much more than just their prosciutto. Everything you put in your mouth from their pizza to pasta, salads and fish is fucking gorgeous. They also have a fantastic italian market. Do not feel concern when you walk in and wonder if they are trying to trick you into thinking you are outdoors, because their tomfoolery stops there.

This is how much I believe Parisi - if you ever order anything that you don't love with every bone in your body - please feel free to punch me in the face. One punch by the way...

Jonesy's (From 2008)

Jonesy's

400 E 20th Ave
Denver, CO 80205

(303) 863-7473

This place is pretty new so there aren't any pictures available, so you will have to get inside my mind and imagine its glory.


It used to be the Painted Bench which was ok-good and then the Dish I think, which I never tried, but apparently didn't work because it went from semi-fanc to winebar/pubby thing. It refers to itself as a gastropub which I found to be an unsettling term but apparently it means pub with gourmet food and not shartfest 2008. Good for me.

There are a couple of things to note about this place.

1) The atmosphere is super. It is kind of a wine bar in the sense that they have a shitload of wine - but it isn't pretentious like most wine bars. It does have more of a pub feel - but in a shabby chic - not pam anderson cutesy shabby country look, but a well designed shabby comfy kind of way - lots of oddly placed chandeliers and ugly but works fabrics and such. Real real loungey and not in the way Denver tries to get loungey with their overly fancy bull honkey.

2) They have a very large selection of Colorado brewed beer which is great if you like to experiment - and also great if you want to get crunk.

3) They have the best goddamn fries I have ever tasted in my life. Why are they so goddamn good you ask? Well, they are pricey (what isn't - you slap the word gourmet on anything and the price immediately reaches 10 smacks) but fucking gorgeous and I will tell you why. First, there are three options - a truffled one which I didn't try because truffle fries are so 2005 thank you very much Forrest Room Cinq. There was a macc and cheese with bacon (yummo) and a blue cheese and hot "frank" (should have called it wing) sauce which was super yummo in my tummo little Gummo. Here is the thing about those fries - they took everything I love about hot wings ie the blue cheese and the hot vinegar sauce and left out everything I hate about hot wings (the chicken) and put them on something I love FRIES. I was in freedom fry heaven last night.

4) The dinner was a little pricey - I had a fancy schmancy version of shepard's pie - which don't get me wrong I love me som Shepard's pie - but it was lamb and spinach gnocchi - good but had I known I would be eating two pounds of delicious fries - I would have said no thank you on the dinner. Good but totally unnecessary. Their menu is small but interesting and even though the term slider makes me throw up in my mouth a little - I might even try one of theirs...if I can ever get my hands out of their fancy freedom.

Dear Masterpiece Deli, what is the meat version of a born again christian because that is what I shall call myself from now on.

Yes, I love a good deli. And yes, I love fine dining but I never thought they could be brought together with such grace and elegance. Masterpiece Deli is the most unbelievable combination of the two.

While I do feel more alive than I have in a long time after participating last week in an email sting operation in hopes of catching the motherfucker who broke into my friend's house and stole her laptop along with her soul since she was home at the time and he was carrying a hammer and she was scared shitless, so maybe food tastes better but I don't think it would be this extreme.

I feel like a shark who has tasted blood for the first time and all I can think about it how I want more of you Masterpiece Deli because you have given me what no one on this earth has ever been able to do. You have given me the best sandwich I have ever eaten in all my life, the Cuban Pork Sandwich. And the cuban pork sandwich is so incredibly easy to fuck up - I know this because every single cuban sandwich I have ordered in the past has left me feeling empty inside. Whether the pork was dry or the condiment associated with it was wrong or too sour or too sweet or the bread not capable of supporting a sandwich with such a depth of taste, or sometimes the pickles were just crappo, something was always slightly wrong - and even though I had heard great things, I was a little hesitant about ordering it as my first experience. Well, as it turns out this is the best sandwich I have ever eaten. This is partly because it is the only sandwich I have eaten at the Masterpiece deli so I imagine it will change with each visit. My friend ordered the brisket sandwich on a baguette and it was fucking gorgeous as well. I couldn't believe it. I want to work there. I have found a place I want to live all the time and it is inside of you Masterpiece Deli. I cannot wait to see you again. I hope you understand that I appreciate you more than anyone and my love is pure