Enzos - would you think it gross if I said you gave me a mouth hard-on?

Enzo's End Pizza
www.enzosend.com

3424 E Colfax Ave
Denver, CO 80206
(303) 355-4700

There isn't much in this world that is better than a pizza from Enzo's. Go there.

The End.

The Cruise Room - I can hardly find my way home after we meet - thank you

The Cruise Room at the Oxford Hotel
1600 17th St, Denver, CO - (303) 628-5400
http://www.theoxfordhotel.com/
(real real close to the pepsi center)

Dear The Cruise Room,

I love you and not because you were once a speakeasy and therefore one of three actual historic/ interesting destinations in the Denver- or because you are attached to one of the only halfway decent chain restaurants in this country, McCormicks and were able to save me from a drunken stupor by providing me with plenty of fried fish-type appetizers, but because your brilliant array of cocktails are so incredibly delicious.

I had a St. Germain which sounds totally pretentious.. because it was and was everything I could have hoped for, gorgeous in my mouth, not too heavy on my pocketbook* (which I still carry because I am a lady goddammit) and more than one will fuck you up real good - which means you can get shit-canned under $20)

I have been to The Cruise Room a few times and always had a wonderful time. The booths are great, no matter how loud it is in the bar you seem to never notice - and there is some sort of creative juice that is pumped through the vents like the oxygen at casinos but instead of making you want to gamble more it makes you want to write haikus about breaking and entering and a assault with a deadly weapon (ie a heavy-set brunette with big muscles) .

The table service is so good you never need to get up except to use it, so you can avoid dealing with any of the bridge and tunnel crowd who have managed to either tape or tivo According to Jim, and get all tarted up fancy-like for a drink before clubbing it up - or whatever they do - I never make it out long enough to see where they go after 10pm because I am over thirty and have a teensy bit of dignity left over from my twenties and would like to keep it thank you very much. Our waitress was fantastic and it is hard to find service in this town were you really want to leave a 20% tip because you feel like your service was extraordinary - mostly I just leave it out of fear because I know there is an underground new world order of waiters and waitresses who will kill you in their sleep if they need to - but that is a subject for another day.

Anyway, the long and the short of it, you should go there because it is way better than most of the crap you will find in lodo - and the girls don't look so whorish - or at least not before 10pm. Also one of the bellhops at the hotel hates democrats. I asked him why there was an old-timey window dressing next to the hotel (with a large banner that said democratic national headquarters - with old women mannequins wearing Obama t-shirts and holding balloons and the bellhop said Howard Dean is an asshole and I hate John Kerry. Apparently they have been guests of the hotel and were not as friendly as that republican bellhop would have liked. He did mention that Jimmy Carter was very nice - and some republican who I cannot remember because I was supercrunk when I spoke with him. Anyway, you will love the Cruise Room.


*not too pricey = cheaper than Red Lobster Margarita (aka the lobsterita - which I would highly recommend you do NOT order unless you are interested in kicking your margarita habit for eternity. Let's just say I had one a few months ago and it is still settling in my stomach. It hurts to even talk about it Thanks for nothing Red Lobster - your biscuits couldn't get you out of this mess - we are over).

Watercourse, you are tasty - but don't pretend that I won't notice you have NO MEAT for me

Watercourse
837 E 17th Ave
Denver, CO 80218
(303) 832-7313
www.watercoursefoods.com

Watercourse is everyone's favorite vegan restaurant. And yes, I have been there and YES it was really good.

The food is incredibly fresh and the menu options are varied and I was very pleased with everything considering that I had high expectations based on the recommendations of others but there was one little thing missing in my breakfast......SAUSAGE or bacon or ham or chorizo and YES they have tofu versions of some meat products but guess what isn't the same no matter what anyone says - MEAT SUBSTITUTES. I think they were invented by my version of satan. A meatless world is an unhappy world - not because we are supposed to be carnivores, using our claws to cut buffalo into bite sizes or anything - because I am not into that version of carnivory - I love it because it is delicious - if you doubt my love of meat please see my haikus about pastrami.

However, I felt a little like I was in the jungle after sifting through all those dreadlocks just to find my seat and here is the thing about patchouli - I don't care if Mark Jacobs just came out with some new perfume or cologne called white Patchouli - I do not want to smell it whilst I am sipping on a delicious hot fresh cup of coffee because it gets in the way of my nostrils and makes me scream at the top of my lungs "Gag me with a dead smurfette!".

If smoking is banned in restaurants (which I totally support) then patchouli should be too because after I went to a phish show once (don't tell anyone) in college, I swear I got second hand something from all that fucking patchouli.

Vegans and Christians hate to admit it but they remind me of each other because both of them get all judgy in my face with their rules about how I should do this or NOT eat that - or how Christ is my savior - or how I can't live without legumes. Get off my anus crazies.

PS - watercourse if very good even though I can't get my meat on.

UPDATE: from Timmy Tinkletop - the service is TERRIBLE and you will wait forever for a table because everyone who is currently seated hasn't even been served their drinks yet. I feel pretty safe in saying that hippies are slow and have better things to do (like lighting incense and dancing in circles) than serve you and this could be why the service is super sucko.

Mona's - Wine and Lube May Do Wonders, But They Won't Help You In My Eyes

Mona's Restaurant
www.monasrestaurant.com

2364 15th St
Denver, CO 80202
(303) 455-4503

I don't care how good you think you are, with your semi- tasty food, you have the absolute worst service of any restaurant I have ever been to and that includes Pita Jungle which is way more delicious so you can suck it.

Here is what I hate most about you. I hate that you have made me wait for over an hour for a table when I and everyone around me could see that you had at least five available tables. The first time this happened you were so new that I thought maybe you weren't ready to serve the number of people waiting and wanted to give quality service to each table, so you made sure that you didn't seat more tables than you could handle. Then you sucked at service once I was seated and I realized you were an idiot. I had been to your mama restaurant Emmas and even though the experience was super creepo and scarred a friend of mine for life, the food was good so I thought I should give you another chance - because I can never go back to Emmas due to the creep factor. Now you have been open long enough to know better. The second time I stood and watched as table after table left and yet my group was not seated. When we were finally able to sit in one of the ten open tables our service was so poor I vowed never to return.

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice and I will hate you forever.

YOU ARE HORRIBLE

Dear Bagel Deli, Get Outta My Mind

Maybe your pastrami is filled with tomacco.

I cannot stop thinking about you. You consume my every thought.

You would think, since I was violently ill this week, puking and dry heaving for hours on end, that I would not be interested in gently resting your pastrami on my tongue. But your sandwiches are so delectable. I am addicted to you. I want you more than anything I have ever known. Your succulence....juicy tender glory brings me what I know must be true love. Thank you and I hate you.

YOU ARE MY TEEN WITCH

Snooze I will suck face with you

Snooze
www.snoozedenver.com
2262 Larimer st
Denver, CO 80205
(303) 297-0700

Normally, I hate waiting for anything, much like most people. Unlike most people, I usually end up hopping up an down in a fit of rage when I have to wait for anything for more than 30 seconds - for example, I was once waiting patiently in airport security as the woman in front of me took her sweet-ass time taking one shoe off and taking the other shoe off and placing them in her bin - I HAD ENOUGH so I started jumping up and down (it is an involuntary reaction) and the security guard asked me if I had to go number one. Moral of the story, I do not do well when things go any which way but mine, which is why I have been avoiding Snooze for the past year as I have heard that there is always at least an hour wait and I knew that it would not end well.

I decided to go yesterday as I was promised that a cocktail, named the Snooze Julius would keep me from going insane and make the wait easier to take. Mission overly accomplished snooze julius. Getting my crunk on at 9:00am made the wait very easy to take.

Luckily, I was able to sober up during my wait and eat one of the all-time best breakfasts in the Denver. Not that it is difficult to do in Denver. As with many cities, Denver is saturated with breakfast choices and most of them are crapfests.

Snooze, on the other hand was fucking gorgeous and totally worth the wait. The service was great - and the pineapple upside down pancake with brown sugar butter was INCREIBLE!!! as they say in France. Usually, I prefer my salties to my sweets so we followed this number with some hashbrown medley of potatoes meats and cheese topped with a fried egg and it too was fantastic. I will go to Snooze again and again and I will try everything on the menu - and I will love it all and I will lover their coffee and I will get over the fact that the name Snooze is dorkus malorkus.

This is what I will do to you Snooze, if I ever get you alone.

Do you like eating shit for dinner? You should try Benny's

Benny's Restaurante & Cantina
www.bennysrestaurant.com

301 E 7th Ave
Denver, CO 80203
(303) 894-0788

Somehow this place is the most popular shiteatery in Denver. I admit I have been there many times but in my defense, I was taken against my will every time. On the bright side, one margarita will fuck you up to the point where you lose your sense of taste and thus, are able to swallow your shit covered with cheese and "red sauce", however, if you don't immediately regret putting this food in your mouth, you will find plenty of reasons later. You can brush your teeth all you want dumb dumb but that Benny's taste never really goes away. If you want to eat mexican't - go to Chipotle asshole.

Good luck.

Another Delicious Booze Cruise With A Stupid Name, Jonesys

Jonesy's

400 E 20th Ave
Denver, CO 80205

(303) 863-7473

This place is pretty new so there aren't any pictures available, so you will have to get inside my mind and imagine its glory.


It used to be the Painted Bench which was ok-good and then the Dish I think, which I never tried, but apparently didn't work because it went from semi-fanc to winebar/pubby thing. It refers to itself as a gastropub which I found to be an unsettling term but apparently it means pub with gourmet food and not shartfest 2008. Good for me.

There are a couple of things to note about this place.

1) The atmosphere is super. It is kind of a wine bar in the sense that they have a shitload of wine - but it isn't pretentious like most wine bars. It does have more of a pub feel - but in a shabby chic - not pam anderson cutesy shabby country look, but a well designed shabby comfy kind of way - lots of oddly placed chandeliers and ugly but works fabrics and such. Real real loungey and not in the way Denver tries to get loungey with their overly fancy bull honkey.

2) They have a very large selection of Colorado brewed beer which is great if you like to experiment - and also great if you want to get crunk.

3) They have the best goddamn fries I have ever tasted in my life. Why are they so goddamn good you ask? Well, they are pricey (what isn't - you slap the word gourmet on anything and the price immediately reaches 10 smacks) but fucking gorgeous and I will tell you why. First, there are three options - a truffled one which I didn't try because truffle fries are so 2005 thank you very much Forrest Room Cinq. There was a macc and cheese with bacon (yummo) and a blue cheese and hot "frank" (should have called it wing) sauce which was super yummo in my tummo little Gummo. Here is the thing about those fries - they took everything I love about hot wings ie the blue cheese and the hot vinegar sauce and left out everything I hate about hot wings (the chicken) and put them on something I love FRIES. I was in freedom fry heaven last night.

4) The dinner was a little pricey - I had a fancy schmancy version of shepard's pie - which don't get me wrong I love me som Shepard's pie - but it was lamb and spinach gnocchi - good but had I known I would be eating two pounds of delicious fries - I would have said no thank you on the dinner. Good but totally unnecessary. Their menu is small but interesting and even though the term slider makes me throw up in my mouth a little - I might even try one of theirs...if I can ever get my hands out of their fancy freedom.