Z Cuisine is the best Goddamn Place in Denver (So suck it Thin Man)

I have now been to Z Cuisine twice and both times were de-motherfuckin'-lightful.

The End.

http://www.zcuisineonline.com/

Ok, I will tell you why. I went there a month or so ago and it was by far the best food and best ambiance of any restaurant in Denver and up there with any restaurant I have ever had the opportunity to get my filthy paws in. I ordered the lamb nicoise salad which sounds kind of lamerish maybe but my server had a special glow about him when he spoke of it and explained to me how the meat was cooked and sliced and all that shit which made me think - lamb and hard boiled eggs why not? Fucking gorgeous and I mean that in the classiest way possible. The wine list is pretty fab too - I went with some friends, one of whom is all fancy and shit and likes to order fancy wines - and I went with it because my jiu jitsu instructor says I need to be less combative in order to improve at the level I feel is required at this stage of my training - so I go with shit now - because I don't want to be that person who everyone is always all - that girl is such a combative Carol or whatevs - anyway - it was super delicious and that meat melted on my tongue - like unfuckingbelievably perfect especially for Denver. I guarantee that everything you put in your mouth, including the pate (which normally I don't love liver but this is pretty goddamn good) is fresh - and unbelievable.

The restaurant is in a very quiet location and it is a tiny place with the perfect lighting and the perfect servers and you can tell that people are dying to work there - and I wouldn't mind living there.

If you hate french food than I already think you are annoying but you should try this place - because hating french food is so 2007 - it isn't what you think it will be....oh, unless you hate deliciousness in which case we have nothing in common anyway.

GB Fish and Chips is GD Delicious!

GB Fish and Chips
www.gbfishandchips.com
1311 S. Broadway
Denver, CO 80210
(720) 570-5103

Seriously, when people get up on my anus about my love of deli meats I can be all, whatevs, I totally eat fish cocksuckas so leave me alone! Also, this place is tasty and they manage to get the fried right and leave out the greasy which rarely happens in the Denver, or anywhere in America where I have eaten fish and chips - which being the healthy lady that I am is all over so believe me when I say they know what they are doing. Also, you can pick your fish - or order shrimp and scallops so pretentious people can feel comfortable knowing they don't have to order cod.

Lesson Learned Note: I had a couple of lady beers betwixt ordering and receiving my food (it isn't fast food but mama was real real thirsty from targeting and running errands - so it was still in the span of 15 minutes) before realizing that I wanted a hint of the tartar sauce as did my friend Leslie. I ran to the counter and ordered the tartar sauce one for me and one for Leslie. Um, huge mistake for two reasons. Each order comes with a touch of tartar and when you order the sauce they think you are a mayonnaise freak because which is totally the fault of the fish and chippery because you will received the largest and most unnecessary amount of tartar sauce. So, if you heart it then order one for a table for 4. That's All.

Masterpiece Deli, We are so in love

Ok, so this is the last time I will talk about Masterpiece Deli - today, I promise. I just wanted to mention that I went there again this past weekend and it was just as fabulously glamorous as I remembered it so many days ago....last weekend. I wanted to order something different because seriously what kind of whacko orders the same goddamn sandwich every time, oh, I know, this whacko. I couldn't help it, I was so prepared to order the brisket or even something mundane like the turkey because I need to know every inch of every sandwich but when it came time to order, the Cubano left my lips and I could not catch it in time to change my order, plus, I was there with my roommie and his daddy and I was thinking how I probably should have ordered something a little less intense or more ladylike, or less porky or whatever you call it but I was under the spell of the most tender pork on the planet and there was nothing I could do. Luckily my roommie, who knows I often leave my dignity at the door suggested that we share our sandwiches and so I was able to eat both the glory of pork and the succulence of the best brisket that has ever laid itself upon this tongue. Once again I must reiterate if there was a meat version of a born again then I am born again AGAIN because this place gives meaning to my existence. I mean we all wonder from time to time, what is the fucking point of it all - like one day there was nothing and then a gazillion years later - we have the Ford Escort Station wagon - was that an end we really wanted? I mean sure - I have a fondness for the Ford Escort Station Wagon because my brother used to drive a turquoise or maybe aqua - but that is not the point - If you have ever wondered why then get thee to Masterpiece Deli as soon as possible. You too will understand what it means to be an evangelical meat lover.

PS - Thank you "Beef, It's What's for Dinner" commercial for ruining my ability to listen to Aaron Copeland.

PSS - speakin' of beef- I am going to be dining on beef for four ce soir at the Z Cuisine - a fancy frenchy dining facility. Let's hope it doesn't refer to itself as an eatery because then I would have to hate it.

Dear Masterpiece Deli are you thinking of me?

Because I am thinking of you.

The Bagel Delicatessen - hopefully where I will be buried when I die - from an overdose of pastrami. (from 2008)

The Bagel Delicatessen (http://www.thebageldeli.com/)

6439 E. Hampden Ave.

Denver, CO 80222

303-756-6667

their motto is "as authentic as it gets" and they fucking mean it

Anyone who knows me, or has ever met me for 5 seconds knows that there is only thing I love more than juicing on booze and that is eatin' on deli meats.

Someday, I will open up my Holy Meats deli (it is more"HOLY MEATS! BATMAN" than it is blessed Jesus deli meats by the way, even though the logo will have a crucifix on it which might confuse people who would be all - when did Batman get into christ? And that is none of my nevermind - I don't get into people's personal business.

Anyway, this is how much I love pastrami:

PASTRAMI Haikus

why you so goddam
good? It hurts me to wait for
you until lunchtime.

your succulence makes
me weak. I must place you on
my tongue yesterday

For six long years I have scoured this city in search of a good pastrami sandwich. I thought I would never find it, but I have done it sweet Jesus and it was topped with egg salad mmmmmmmmmm times one million. Thank you Bagel Deli for knowing what I want. I didn't even have to waste one second perusing the main menu - as pastrami (being held in the regard for which it deserves was given its own menu at this glorious place.)

Here is another thing Bagel Deli understands - good sandwiches need little to no condiments because the meat melts on the tongue while the bread keeps you from drooling on yourself in ecstasy. They did provide me with the opportunity to use condiments but I didn't need them. The egg salad was pretty good as well - and there is so much more to choose from that judging this place by one sandwich alone isn't fair. Lucky for me AND Bagel Deli - I will be eating there every day for the rest of my life...

If you live in Denver and have never been to Bagel Deli - I pity you.

PS - anyone who tries to get up on my anus about a pastrami sandwich with egg salad on top not needing condiments can suck it cause I did half on and half off - so get off my anus assholes.

You Lie Rachael Ray - Vesta Dipping Grill is Crappo. (From 2008)

People love this place so I feel like the review below is minimal and needs some explanation - even though the concept of the restaurant is pretty simple - you get meats - you dip them into shit - so nevermind I don't need to explain myself- but I should because if someone actually were to read this and get their feelings hurt that I said this place will rape your wallet - then our relationship will be over before it begins and that hurts us both doesn't it so here is the background. When I wrote this I was kind of hating Rachael and her attitude and was really grumpy about this place because everyone always raves about it - and it is always in Denver's top restaurants of whatever the year - but who really trusts the consumer anyway - I know I don't. I was supremely disappointed with Vesta - it was so loud and the service was blah and the servers or waitstaff or whatever the christian name is - reminded me of the bitches who work at Buffalo Exchange like they are doing me a goddamn favor just to talk to me - like I owe them more than my tip. Like this one time - I found a super awesome pair of jeans on the major cheap at Buffalo Exchange and trying to be polite (which is a struggle for me) I mentioned what a great deal this was and the bitch face checker outer was all - that is because they are so last year and no one else wants them. YOU WORK IN A FUCKING USED CLOTHING STORE YOU ARE NOT SUPERIOR TO THE CONSUMER. THESE CLOTHES AREN'T EVEN FUCKING VINTAGE SO SUCK IT. I was so in the mood to get all Fried Green Tomatoes on her ass and run her over with my car but I didn't because I am a lady. Anyway - my point is that I am super mean about Vesta because the food wasn't that great and the sauces weren't that great - and the waitress needed to get dick choked - that is a reference to a fighting maneuver and NOT a request that someone shove a dick in her mouth - because that is rude and anti-woman. So there.


It has taken me many moons to try this Vesta Dipping Grill (shticky is for vaudville and not for eating) - I have heard fantastic things about this place, including Rachael Ray - who was in the Denver for either $40 or Tasty Travels or something - and she was all up on the Vesta. Maybe she just made it up - or maybe Bobby Flay hates her for good reason (we know she likes to bite the Oprah hand that feeds her - but I like her salad dressings - so I assumed she either knew what she was talking about - or wouldn't lie to me - considering all the places in all the Denver - she picked this place for dinner) anyway - she is a fatface liar.

1) The dipping sauces aren't interesting or delicious
2) The meats are not cooked or presented well
3) Dipping is for Atlantic City
4) DON'T GET THE SCALLOPS
5) Go to Chilis if you want your wallet raped

Old Lady who sings for free booze - thank you for making it all worthwhile, Brown Palace take two = magic (from 2008 DNC post)

The Ship's Tavern never disappoints -http://www.brownpalace.com/location/index.cfm

This might be the second post on this bar but that means you need to go there - not that I am lazy - stop judging me!

The Ship's Tavern is a hipster joint waiting to be recognized. I am so glad I have managed to see it in all its purity before the hipsters rub their dirty little hands all over it.

The beer is cheap and the entertainment unlike anything you will find in Denver, maybe not during the DNC. I would imagine there will be a lot more stripping come August. I once lived next door to a couple who ran a stripping business out of their home. The busiest time of year was during the PGA. I guess golfers LOVE watching tainted vagines dangling in their faces just as much as the next guys.

Anyway - the woman who sings at the Ship's Tavern doesn't get paid - nor has she ever. But she has been performing for over 35 years - and she goes there every night so she might be a slight alcoholic or maybe just not ready to follow this "television" trend she has been hearing about. She has a fantastic voice and was dressed up for the Kentucky Derby - which felt a little fancier than the Safari number she was wearing the last time I was there.

Basically, every night goes like this:

Mary (the singer) has a couple of glasses of wine - then she belts out something Frank Sinatra or a song that I imagine comes from Guys and Dolls. Then she sits down - while the pianist plays songs like - Say a Little Prayer for You or Pianoman (so meta). Once he takes a break some guy - who is either a fireman - or just large and in charge enough to need suspenders to keep up his sweatpants - starts singing as well (also not getting paid) - and this is unaccompanied and a little awkward and THE MOST FUN EVER.



Please go - you will not be disappointed.